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25 May 2013 @ 01:43 am
I Should've Known Better: a Nick/Rachel mix (with bonus semi-ranting!)  
MAJOR SPOILERS AHOY. NO, I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, ALL THE SPOILERS. FOR REALZ.

So I watched the entire first series of Scott & Bailey in a day, was slightly underwhelmed, realized that Rachel-the-genius-detective spent TWO YEARS with Nick without apparently ever once becoming suspicious that something about him might be a little MARRIED, and when I was done facepalming through my fucking forehead, I made this.




The caps I used are from here.

[The initial unintentionally-hilarious breakup, during which Nick calls Rachel an alcoholic and is apparently put off that she wore clothes to work that she banged him in the night before, or something. I may have that wrong, but that was the general thrust. Anyway, I think it’s supposed to be dramatic.]
Lana Del Rey - Break My Fall
The greatest line in history
Baby it’s not you, it’s me
What you think I’m dumb, dumb babydoll
I’m big enough and bad enough
And I can tell when things get rough
Now nothing that you say can break my fall


[Our Heroine discovers the truth, thanks to a brilliant investigative technique whereby, erm, the landlord casually blurts out that Nick went back to his wife. How did his landlord know he was married when his police detective girlfriend didn’t? No idea.]
No Doubt - Detective
Peek in, sneak about
I'm gonna snoop and call you out
I've caught you, your hands are red
Now I'm your broken-hearted detective


[Rachel stomps her tiny feet and abuses police resources in her quest for vengeance (and did I mention she makes Janet an accessory to her misdeeds? Yeah, she’s a considerate one). Also she doesn’t actually get much vengeance, but at least she tried.]
Ida Maria - Bad Karma
You gypped me outta my money
You messed up my love life and my career
You better believe in karma
'Cause it's gonna start gettin' weird right here


[Oooh Rachel is SO MAD so Nick better WATCH OUT and…oh yeah also she sabotaged a whole court case because she told Nick things “in private!” which he then used to defend his client. Bummer. She’s a bloomin’ genius, she is. (Oh, and Rachel also totally committed perjury. And, again, dragged Janet into it. Thanks, Rach!)]
Aimee Mann - The Fall Of The World’s Own Optimist
'Cause the eggshells I've been treading
Couldn't spare me a beheading
And I'll know I had it coming
From a Caesar who was only slumming
Hey, kids, look at this
It's the fall of the world's own optimist


[The baby thing really didn’t go anywhere, did it? “Waaahhhh not gonna have an abortion waaaahhh! Oh, I conveniently miscarried. Now let us never speak of this again.” I would not be surprised to find out this show was written by Sweet Valley High ghostwriters.]
Emmy The Great - We Almost Had A Baby
And I will think of you now that we are apart
I put my hand across my gut I plan to feed it with a heart
I'm not the girl that you remember from the start
I was only a baby
Now I am what you made me


[Nick does not appear for an entire episode, undoubtedly because he was busy tying women to the railroad tracks and stealing candy from adorable orphans. Meanwhile, his wife has phoned Gill, the boss-lady, who is understandably quite pissed off at Rachel. Our Heroine responds in an extremely mature manner: by whining some more. Oy. She also calls Nick’s wife to apologize, sort of—and claims that she cares about how her actions affect other people. Yeah, right.]
Marianne Faithfull - For Wanting You
I don't wanna bleed
Or bruise up black and blue
Do I deserve these things
All for wanting you?


[The writers suddenly think of something to do with Nick, so Rachel uncovers more evidence of his skankin’ around (by which I mean someone else comes up to her and blurts out embarrassing details—she must have one of those faces people just trust) but she can’t tell anyone because, duh, he’s got a shitload of dirt on her. Nick begins to sleaze his way back into Our Heroine’s good graces, because…well…either because Rachel really is that dumb, or…see below. (I may have gone a little meta with this song. But seriously. Damn.)]
Republica - Drop Dead Gorgeous
I know my ex-boyfriend lies
Oh he does it every time
It's just his permanent disguise
Yeah yeah but he's drop dead gorgeous


[Then Janet gets stabbed, Nick calls Rachel, and she decides in her time of extreme emotional vulnerability that maybe he’s not so bad! Of course he can come pick her up from the hospital and they can go for dinner! It’s understandable in the moment, since she’s very upset, but damn, lady, don’t you have any other friends who might be better shoulders to cry on? Well, apparently not, because in the three months between the end of this episode and the beginning of the next, Rachel…moves in with him. I CAN CHANGE HIM, MAMA JANET. (She damn near says exactly that, except she says he has changed. Not to repeat myself, but: Yeah, right. Rachel doesn't seem entirely convinced herself, indicating that she's not a total idiot, just enough of one to completely ignore her own instincts and stay with a guy who lied to her for TWO YEARS and—!)]
No Doubt - Bathwater
Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?
So I pacify problems with kisses and cuddles
Diligently doubtful through all kinds of trouble
Then I find myself choking on all my contradictions


[In a completely unexpected and shocking turn of events, it turns out that Nick is still EVIL!!1 and…tried to have Rachel killed. (Yes, it’s totally silly, but it brings their whole relationship full circle in unintentional hilarity. Well-played, writers!) Also, Nick is apparently a godawful liar, at least under pressure, which, again—TWO YEARS she didn’t know he was married. Because she’s such a brilliant detective. Naturally, she goes from “I CHANGED HIM, MAMA JANET” to “OMG NICK TRIED TO HAVE ME KILLED” like that. (And then back and…Jesus I don’t even know, but she does basically grasp that Nick is Not A Good Guy. For a second. But she doesn’t REALLY believe he REALLY tried to have her killed. Because he’s been such a paragon of virtue so far.)]
Eleni Mandell - The Snake Song
He lied when he laid with a downtrodden babe
He lied, oh, he lied to me
He lied when he tripped, when he broke, when he ran
With the shirt on his back and the money in his hand
He went down on his belly and he slithered 'round the floor
Should've known better, oh he's done it before


[Then, in THE MOST RIDICULOUS PLOT TWIST I HAVE EVER SEEN, the Bad Guy who Nick tried to have kill Rachel decides to cooperate fully with the police and also has super-awesome high-quality eat-it-Zapruder cellphone video of Nick trying to get him to kill Rachel. Fucking wonderful. Welcome to Plot Convenience Playground. Anyway, Nick is going down. (Of course, per series two, no he’s not, he’s just gonna get murdered, but never mind that. Also, just for the record, Gill makes a comment that may or may not be about prison rape, which makes me very uncomfortable.)]
The Dresden Dolls - Missed Me
Missed me, missed me
Now you've gone and done it
Hope you're happy in the county penitentiary
It serves you right for kissing little girls
But I'll visit
If you miss me


download the zip

Yeah. There's a lot more to the show than what I'm bitching about here, and honestly it's worth a watch. I was just disappointed, because, hey, lady-driven cop drama featuring Rupert Graves! That should automatically be AWESOME, but somehow they managed to make it kinda meh. Maybe it gets better in series two, I haven't actually watched all of that yet but from what I've heard about it…eh. I hate when I really want to like something and I just don't. But making mixes for super fucked-up relationships is fun, at least.